Monday, January 30, 2006

Humiliation and Refunds All Around

I won't go into to great detail because my mother reads this, but....
I just attempted to send my husband a...um...complimentary email. You know how when you enter a few letters of the email recipient's address, it pulls up matching options out of your address book? Well, apparently, Norm, from the tax collections bureau of my city, is the one right below my husband.
Sadly, Norm, no the email was not meant for you....unless you'd like it to be. Do I smell a refund?

Hump Removal. Less Lovely Lady Lumps.

Yes, that is a reference to this hideous Black-Eyed Peas song. Check it out, if you must. But anyway....

I'm on a mission to lose the 10 pounds that have slowly crept up on me as of late. This is going to involve a little discomfort - seeing as how I HATE exercise and can't change my eating habits to save my life.

I am motivated by the fact that I am growing an extra belly roll. Yep, extra. I have had the standard mommy-roll since having my son. You know the mommy-roll - the extra flap of skin your body acquires after a pregnancy. The one that doesn't go away no matter how much weight you lose. The wobbly bit that you have to actively decide whether to tuck into your pants or to let it flop over. The mommy-roll. Please tell me you know what I mean. Please? Ahem...
So, as I was saying. I am now developing an extra. I don't have use for the first pile of squishiness and I certainly don't want a second. It is time to take some action. (I refuse to acknowledge the 456 other times I have made this exact vow. Warm ups. Dress rehearsal for the real deal. My own personal Extreme Makeover. Ok, more like a minor remodeling, but still...)

So, due to the fact that I loathe exercise, I can pretty much rule out the gym. I've tried walking, jogging, and my own treadmill in the past. No go. Do you know the amount of energy it takes to run? Too much exertion.

I need something that doesn't appear to be exercise. I have a few belly dancing DVD's that I like, but that is not enough....I like the idea of kickboxing....and shaking my booty (and saddlebags, and jiggly thighs). So off to Amazon.com I went. After searching through pages and pages of firming and flattening offerings (filed under the category of Screwing the Pudgy Out of Their Money in Five Easy Steps), I have 5 brand spankin' new, bun tightening DVD's on the way. I won't get into all of my choices, but I will say one included the words "tahitian dance". So by Friday, I'll be shaking my coconuts and losing the rolls.

Now since I am known to be a slimy little flake, who comes up with wonderful grand plans on an almost daily basis, but never follows through...I decided I needed some accountability. So here's how it works. I keep a my progress documented here daily. You then harass..I mean encourage me....keeping me on track. I call that my too-cheap-for-Weight-Watchers diet. I will weigh in every morning. My goal is to lose 10 pounds by April 5. 64 days, give or take. I will utilize one of my fancy new DVD's at least 4 days a week. I will log when I do...and when I do not.

It will look like this:
Pounds to lose:10
Pounds already lost:0
Exercise done: Shake Your Fanny - 35 minutes

So come on, help a girl out. Keep me on track. I'd do it for you. Probably. Well, I'd try, but I already told you, I am a flake.

Friday, January 27, 2006

It's a Sick World, My Friend

Someone actually came to my blog by Googling the words "elephant scrotum". What kind of messed up individual Googles "ELEPHANT SCROTUM"?!? I was the number two link. Is it wrong to feel proud?

Thursday, January 26, 2006

Thursday Thirteen...



Thirteen Things that make my day at work less enjoyable that I would like.



1. Mail that reads....FINAL NOTICE...bla, blah, blah....pay by Jan 30...blah, blah, blah....collections...blah, blah, blah...

2. The pasta in my lunch leaked. Now I have sauce on my drink, sauce on my chips, sauce everywhere. I'm not sure I've ever used the word "sauce" that many times before. Sauce. Sauce. Sauce.

3. Calls that start "Ma'am, if I may have a minute of your time, I'd like to tell you about how using XXX credit card processing can save you money"

4. The fact that I didn't even unlock the door until 10 minutes after, and no one noticed.

5. I skipped Starbucks in fear of provoking my face, that clearly has had it in for me since I was 14. Caffeine=UGLY for me.

6. We are out of Post-its. I love Post-Its.

7. My beloved laptop, AKA my Baby, stayed home today.

8. There is no chocolate here. None.

9. The nine million racks of clothes to sort and price. Don't ever do consignment. Ever. If you own a store, sell only shiny, new things that you can price in massive quantities. Trust me on this one.

10. Had to leave this morning with wet hair. Resemble frizzy, angry llama.

11. Writing checks that don't involve buying something nice for myself.

12. Seeing the mounds of crap to get done. Deciding to delegate. Realizing I don't have any employees to delgate to.

13. People who know their little angel is poopy, and ignore my polite mention of a changing table, diapers, and wipes in the bathroom. "We'll just be a minute...then I'll change him in the car." Yes, but I'll smell Junior, for the next hour.




Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Musings from the Edge
2. Confessions of a Busy Mom
3. Wendy's Whimsies
4. The Idle Receptionist
5. Whiskey Talking
6. KristieSue...What Are We TAlking About
7. Write From Karen
8. CraZedMom
9. Novelist in Training


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!



<

The Thrill of the Hunt?

Since I have moved to Colorado, I have been surprised by the fact that so many people go hunting. Elk hunting, duck hunting. Hunting. This is a totally confusing concept to me. I don't see the purpose, and frankly it just seems, well, cruel.

It is a sport, I was told. A sport? It doesn't really seem to be much of a matchup. A person with all sorts of high tech equipment...that includes the rifle....against an unarmed, unsuspecting animal? Now if you were going to wrestle the elk with your bare hands, that may be a sport. And what about duck hunting? A duck has a brain the size of a marble. Is it really that impressive that you are able to shoot it with a hunting rifle, with a laser sight, after calling it with a duck call? It smacks of a big brother holding something just out of reach of a smaller brother, taunting him, and feeling superior. Yeah, he can do it because he is taller and smarter, but is it really admirable behavior?

I enjoy it. It takes skill. I would enjoy hiding in the shrubs and throwing sticks into the spokes of bikers as they pedal by in their spandex shorts. And it does take skill to land the stick in the exact...right...place. That doesn't make it a sport. Or fair. Funny, but not fair. And not even close to being a sport. Although, I'd watch that on ESPN2 in a heartbeat.

I suppose an small exception could be made for those who are actually going to eat what they hunt. Because it is hard to make it through life without a good elk burger and a cold one.

As you can probably tell, I am a vegetarian. But the rest of my family are not. I buy meat. I prepare meat. I am not some raving animal rights activist. I just don't see the sport in a match up that is never played on an even playing field. Plus, there is just something ridiculous about a grown man lying in the bushes, covered in Elk musk, trying to put a new Budweiser in his Dale Earnhardt can cozy without making a sound. Well, see, maybe I was wrong. Maybe it is a sport. Snort.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Let's Talk About Me

I was tagged by Kristen at Motherhood Uncensored. And since talking about myself is one of my favorite pastimes...allow me to bore you with this.....

Two Things That Scare Me
1. Spiders - in an irrational, hysterical kind of way
2. Dying before my kids are grown

Two Hobbies
1. Making jewelry
2. T-shirt design

Two Things I Suck At
1. Housework
2. Cooking
Yes, my husband is a lucky, lucky man.

Two Truths
1. The better it tastes...the fatter it will make me.
2. The more I need a break....the needier my kids become.

Two Things That Make Me a Typical Chick
1. I almost never leave the house without makeup.
2. I love new clothes and shoes (But hate shopping, go figure)

Two Names I am Called
1. Mel
2. Lady (By my husband...usually when he is frustrated.)

Two Words I'd Like To Use To Describe Myself (Notice it says "I'd like to use...not that I do use.
1. Good Mom
2. Sucessful

Two Things That Make Me Cry
1. Kids being mistreated
2. Moms watching their babies die of starvation
oh, and also stubbing my toe on the way to the bathroom in the middle of the night

Two Things I Want to Change in This World
1. Kids (anyone) starving. See above.
2. Homelessness
Although I hate questions like that. Everyone gives these noble answers, but very few people actually try to make a difference. Myself included.

Two Words I Have Trouble Saying (I'm going to make that two phrases instead)
1. You were right, I was wrong
2. No

Two Everyday Essentials
1. Deepest Beauty Mineral Makeup
2. Food. Yum. Anyone else hungry?

Two Favorite Items in the House
1. Laptop
2. TiVo

Two Things I Really Want
1. A three stone platinum and diamond anniversary ring
2. To move back to California

I'm not tagging anyone because I don't know anyone. If you would like to take a shot at this meme, please consider yourself tagged. Don't forget to leave a link to yours.

It Could Be You

Take a minute to look at this.
Woulda Coulda Shoulda

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Unspeakable Horror

I don't usually attempt to write about anything serious here, but I saw this and had to mention it.
Final Days of Girl's Life Reveal Horrors


"He stripped Nixzmary of her clothes and beat her in front of Santiago, Brooklyn District Attorney Charles Hynes said.

He dragged her into the bathroom and repeatedly dunked her head under the cold water, and loud banging noises and screams of "Mommy" were heard throughout the apartment, authorities say. Rodriguez carried Nixzmary's limp body into the dirty room and tossed her to the floor, Hynes said."


The "dirty room" they are referring to is a filthy, rodent feces covered room, with a litter box for her to use as a toilet. While what this man did is vile and unthinkable, I hope the punishment is heaped double onto the mother. How can you hear your child, your baby, crying out for help and stand by? Someone is doing the most horrific things to your child and you stand by and watch it happen? Disgusted. Horrified. No words can come close to expressing how I feel about a mother who can hear her child's screams and look away. May justice be swift and the punishment, the maximum. Or better yet, may they receive their "punishment" from the other inmates when the guards aren't looking.

Friday, January 20, 2006

I'll take Annoying Older Brothers for $500, Alex.

Overheard from the backseat of my gas-guzzling SUV beast...

Son (to his 2 yo sister): Do you know what these car seats are made out of?
Daughter (just happy he is actually speaking to her): What?
Son: Our car seats. What..are....they...made...out...of? (spoken extra slooowly and enunciated for maximum annoyance)
Daughter: What?
Son: The SEATS! What are they made out of? You know, like metal...or plastic...
Daughter: Plastic?
Son: Noooo. They are Lea-ther. Can you say Lea-ther?
Daughter: No.
Son (with dramatic sigh and eye roll): That is why they don't allow 2 year olds on game shows.

Help me.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Thursday Thirteen Trivia Challenge! Second Verse Same as the First!



Thirteen songs I know every word to. Some are classics. Some never should have been written. Regardless, they are taking up the time and energy of brain cells that could be doing other things. Do you know any of them? (I know it's not as good as the movie quotes, but cut me some slack, I forgot it even was Thursday!) All decades and genres are represented so everyone can play along at home.



1. Will it ever stop? Yo, I don't know. Turn off the lights and I glow.

2. I had a little horsey named Paul Revere. Just me and my horsey and a quart of beer.

3. So I wake in the morning and I step outside...and I take a deep breath and I get real high and I...I am feeling a little peculiar.

4. Just get me to the airport put me on a plane...Hurry, hurry, hurry...before I go insane.

5. Baby, when I think about you...I think about Loooooove. Darlin' if I live without you...I live without Looooove!

6. Introduced my self as Loc and she said "you're a liar" I said "I got it goin' on Babydoll and I'm on fire,"

7. Made a lightning trip to Vienna. Eating chocolate cake in a bag. The newspapers said "She's gone to his head. They look just like two gurus in drag."

8. Mix your milk with my cocoa puff. Milky, milky, cocoa. Mix your milk with my cocoa puff. Milky, milky...Riiiight.

9. Digging a ditch where maddness gives a bit. Digging a ditch where silence lives. Digging a ditch for when I'm old. Digging this ditch my story's told.

10. Spent forty eight dollars last night at the county fair. I throwed out my shoulder but I won her that teddy bear.

11. Some people call me the space cowboy, yeah. Some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice...

12. But each time I tell myself that I, I think I've had enough. Well, I'm gonna show you baby that a woman can be tough.

13. I'd like to add his initials to my monogram. Tell me, where is the shepherd for this lost lamb?






Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

1. Musings from the Edge


Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!



<

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

*Don't* Tell Me How You Really Feel. No, really. Don't.

To the person who left the sarcastic review for me at Blog Explosion:
I will refrain from commenting at all on the fact that you apparently have nothing better to do than review random blogs on the internet.
So my blog is a "needless site"? I'll have to agree with you on that. But aren't all blogs essentially needless? Aside from yours obviously. So please enlighten me as to what lofty contribution your blog makes to the blogosphere or the world as a whole. Wait, let me guess...you write a political commentary blog. Heaven knows there aren't enough of those out there. But I'm sure yours is different, right?
So you continue on, rolling out post after post of fascinating, life-altering information - and I'll continue to sit around in my suburban-mommy-track suit, pecking away my mindless entries while my kids eat cereal and listen to Kid's Bop.
Thanks again for your "constructive" criticism. Oh, and one more thing - Bite me.


Note: My kids do not actually listen to Kid's Bop. I'd rather chew my own arm off that buy that crap. No offense to those that do love Kid's Bop.

Saturday, January 14, 2006

Notice Anything Different, Little Mama?

How about my cool new blog design? Done for me by the fabulous Nello. Cute blog. Cute kids. Awesome blog beautifier. Check her out.

In honor of the new look, I thought I'd put a little about my love for Elvis...

In fourth grade, I was home sick. There was an Elvis movie marathon on. I watched 13 hours and was a fan for life. Why? I have no idea. But it's true.

I have a large collection of Elvis memorabilia. That includes a velvet Elvis painting. No joke. I hang it in my double wide next to my Nascar commemorative plates. That is a joke.

At 18 I got Elvis tattooed on my lower back. It has since been covered with a larger tattoo. Sometimes I miss it.

I have never been to Graceland, but will someday.

Even as a fan, I can not bear to watch a lot of his movies, but love King Creole.

And that is all. Enjoy. And Nello - Thank you. Thank you very much.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

Put Both Hands Where I Can See Them

Apparently, if you google "look at my bulge" my blog comes up. Me and a bunch of...um... "self-love" links. Some poor lonely soul clicked on my site for some inspiration and found a mommy-blog. Bummer. If it would help, I could tell you what I'm wearing....
Fleece jammie pants and my husband's gray zip up hoodie. Does that work for you Big Boy? No?
Then may I direct you here...
  • Hot Chick
  • Thursday Thirteen Trivia Challenge! You Know You Want to Try!



    Thirteen quotes from movies I love. Can you name any of the movies? Whoever can name the most will receive...um...my respect? my appreciation? bragging rights?


    1. I hope it feels so good to be right. There's nothing more exhilarating than pointing out the shortcomings of others, is there?

    2. I don't want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I don't want to sell anything bought or processed, or buy anything sold or processed, or process anything sold, bought, or processed, or repair anything sold, bought, or processed. You know, as a career, I don't want to do that.

    3. Tyrone, you know how much I love watching you work. But I've got my country's 500th anniversary to plan, my wedding to arrange, my wife to murder, and Guilder to frame for it. I'm swamped.

    4. Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

    5. Hey, how come Andrew gets to get up? If he gets up, we'll all get up, it'll be anarchy.

    6. I can't believe I gave my panties to a geek.

    7.
    King Arthur: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
    Black Knight: 'Tis but a scratch.
    King Arthur: A scratch? Your arm's off.
    Black Knight: No it isn't.
    King Arthur: What's that, then?
    Black Knight: [after a pause] I've had worse.
    King Arthur: You liar.
    Black Knight: Come on ya pansy


    8. And five, now this is the most important, Rat. When it comes down to making out, whenever possible, put on side one of Led Zeppelin IV.

    9. I'll be taking these Huggies and whatever cash ya got.

    10. Don't I know you? I stole the baby from you while you were taking a peepee!

    11. Excuse me, I believe you have my stapler...

    12.
    Barry's Customer: Hi, do you have the song "I Just Called To Say I Love You?" It's for my daughter's birthday.
    Barry: Yea we have it.
    Barry's Customer: Well, can I have it?
    Barry: No, actually, you can't.
    Barry's Customer: Why not?
    Barry: God. Do you even know your daughter? There's no way she likes that song. Oops, is she in a coma?

    13. I'm sorry? Outside? Should I bring my dueling pistols or my sword?






    Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

    1. Wendy's Whimsies
    2. PractiGal
    3. Almost an Angel
    4. Whiskey Talking
    5. Jade
    6. Picking Piksea's Brain
    7. Diary of the Nello
    8. Janne's Jabberwocky
    9. Yellow Rose's Garden
    10. Maman des Filles
    11. Musings from the Edge
    12. Portal of My Mind
    13. Sncikerdoodles


    Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


    The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!



    <

    A Love Story...Eeeek!

    My daughter is in love. It began before Christmas, but she has spent the past two days professing her love as often and emphatically as possible. His name is Brighton, and he is cute and nice. At least that is what her preschool teacher told me when prodded for details. Yeah, you read that right - preschool. My daughter is two and a half.
    A little back story my daughter hates boys. Hates. She even made up a little song about how much she does, in fact, hate boys...

    "I hate boys. I hate boys. I hate Booooys! I hate that boy in the blue stripey shirt. I hate booooys!" (she learned the word hate from Finding Nemo, not me so don't start throwing shoes.)

    Then she announces, out of the blue..."I like Brighton!"
    "But Brighton is a boy," I protest, I thought you didn't li.."
    She cuts me off mid-sentence - "But I. Like. Brighton."
    To be followed by "I am going to go to Brighton's house, Mama. You can come too."
    "I like playing with Brighton."
    "I want Brighton to come see my room."
    "Brighton and I like swinging" (Common interests)
    "Brighton is nice. He doesn't hit or yell." (Always good attributes)
    "Brighton cut his finger with the scissors. It was bleeding, bleeding, bleeding. He didn't cry, though." (Ahh, tough too)
    "I am wearing overalls, just like Brighton. I want to wear them allllll day!" (Good fashion sense)
    She goes to bed sleep at night singing the praises of Brighton to my husband.

    Tuesday, when I dropped her off at school I tried to get myself a peek at this Brighton. No such luck. He wasn't there yet.
    " Oh he is cute!" the teacher exclaimed. "And such a nice, nice little guy. Quite a gentle little boy. So sweet."

    Hmmm, he seems to be quite something, this Brighton. I wonder how his parents feel about arranged marriages?

    Monday, January 09, 2006

    Whole Lotta' Nothin' Goin' On

    I don't know if it is stress or writer's block (can you get writer's block if you are not really a writer?), but I can't think of a single thing to blog about. Maybe it's holiday letdown. The Christmas decorations taken down but still in piles of boxes in the living room are not half as festive. My suitcases are an eyesore on the floor only half unpacked - we came home 7 days ago. Laundry mountain has reappeared. Our house looks like it has been looted in some rural riot. If I don't get to the grocery store soon, we are having salad dressing and the box of baking soda out of the fridge for dinner.

    Or it could be the stress from the my store. Every bit of mail I get says "It's Tax Season!" or "Time to Think About Those Taxes" Evil, evil taxes. Although I have only been here a short time, Colorado seems like a nice place - but I have never seen so many freakin' business taxes. I don't even know what the heck some of them are for. I think maybe I'll start sending out my own tax notices to people. I bet they would pay them too. They would add them to the stack and scrawl out a check just like I do, I imagine. I could have myself quite the little side business there.

    Am I the only one in a post-holiday slump? Hello? Bueller?

    Friday, January 06, 2006

    My Warning Label

    Took this quiz at Quizilla. The results seem accurate.
    cute but psycho



    which happy bunny are you?
    brought to you by Quizilla

    Thursday, January 05, 2006

    Yo Mama so stupid....

    Thursday Thirteen is one entry down, but for the rest of you...

    I have had several people come across my blog while searching the net for "Yo Mama" jokes. As disagreeable as I may seem, I am a people pleaser. So in order to give the people what they want, here is a compilation of the best (using the word loosely) "Yo Mama" jokes around. Enjoy.

    Yo mama so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
    Yo mama so fat she's on both sides of the family!
    Yo mama so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon
    Yo mama so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
    Yo mama so greasy Texaco buys Oil from her
    Yo mama has so many teeth missing, it looks like her tongue is in jail
    Yo mama so poor when I saw her kicking a can down the street, I asked her what she was doing, she said "Moving."
    Yo mama so poor when she goes to KFC, she has to lick other people's fingers!
    Yo mama so poor when I ring the doorbell she says,"DING!"
    Yo mama so short you can see her feet on her drivers license!
    Yo mama so nasty she brings crabs to the beach
    Yo mama so nasty she has to creep up on bathwater.

    Ta da! Humor at its finest, right there.

    Wednesday, January 04, 2006

    Ever meet a phlegmy pianist with angina?



    Thirteen words I think are icky or funny...or so icky they are funny


    1. pubic
    2. mucus
    3. phlegm
    4. loins
    5. pianist
    6. angina
    7. Tofurky
    8. hygiene
    9. buttocks
    10. genital
    11. slacks
    12. spouse
    13. douche

    I know that I'm missing some. Please feel free to add your own in the comments.



    Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

    1. Diary of the Nello
    2. Whiskey Talking
    3. Confessions of a Busy Mom
    4. Musings From the Edge
    5. Ficklechick
    6. Simply Life

    Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!


    The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!



    Monday, January 02, 2006

    Potty Talk

    To the girl in the women's restroom at the Ontario airport:
    I understand that you and your boyfriend have a special kind of bond. All full of passion and mush, making separation almost unbearable. But really, do him and the general potty-using public a favor and put down the cell phone for the two minutes it takes to use the facilities. I'm pretty certain that whatever it is you just had to tell him could wait...Unless of course it was "do you want to hear me pee?" which I'm sure he thinks is just adorable. However, I doubt he finds the sounds of myself and several other strangers tinkling half as cute. So for Pete's sake, use a little discretion and hang up the flippin' cell phone for two seconds. Every relationship needs a little mystery.
    Thank you.